I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
