We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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