something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
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It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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