They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
