i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
