I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
