EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
