I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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