So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize