Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
