I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
