My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
