who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
