I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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