He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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