just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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