One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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