i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
