Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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