You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
