I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
