Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
