I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
