when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
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i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
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Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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