like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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