I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
