I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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