That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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