at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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