listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
