Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
