what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
