so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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