Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
