Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
