i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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