This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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