On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
