Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
