She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
