I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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