my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
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I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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