I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The uberlube is also flammable
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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