I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
