I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I intend to get homeless drunk
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
