Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
