The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
false alarm. still invincible.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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