This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
