Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
