My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
pray to the hookup gods
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
