I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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