i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
