he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
