So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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