You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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